


If It Matters To You

by HalfASlug



Series: Adventures of the Almost Immortal Space Girlfriends [5]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-01
Updated: 2016-04-01
Packaged: 2018-05-30 13:47:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6426310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HalfASlug/pseuds/HalfASlug
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s Clara and Jenny’s first anniversary and Clara plans to go all out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If It Matters To You

Clara popped the cap off the squirty cream and unloaded what could have been half the cannister into her mouth. It had been that kind of day.

She glanced across the diner at the back of the blonde head of the only other person in the room. They’d been trapped in the diner for hours now and had barely said two words to each other. It was hard to know exactly how long as the TARDIS had cut all the power off and it had affected all of the electrics within it. Neither the wall clock behind the counter or Clara’s phone had been spared.

That morning Clara had had such high hopes for the day. Her enthusiasm spilled over and Me had taken time out of writing her diaries to joke around as they made breakfast. Though Clara didn’t need to eat anymore, she still enjoyed cooking and baking. Some of the best times the three TARDIS inhabitants had shared had been in the kitchen, trying new recipes after Clara had spent days perfecting them.

It was her and Jenny’s first anniversary and even Me’s light hearted jibes at traditional long-term relationships couldn’t dampen her spirits.

She’d already spent weeks researching the perfect way for them to spend the day before she mentioned the surprise to Jenny. Her reaction hadn’t been what she’d hoped for.

“But… why?”

“Because we’ll have been together for a year.”

“According to which planet?”

“Earth,” Clara had laughed. She stopped soon afterwards when she saw Jenny hadn’t joined her. “You’ve never celebrated an anniversary before, have you?”

It transpired that no, Jenny hadn’t. Seeing as she had spent her entire life moving around on her own, she’d never been a part of a singular culture and just joined in with whatever the people around her were doing. She’d looked into Gallifreyan traditions to better understand her roots, but the information was hard to come by.

In the end she agreed to celebrate their first anniversary because it sounded like fun and because she said their relationship was something they should celebrate every day. She promised to meet Clara in the console room that morning and went to bed with a smile.

Clara had landed the TARDIS, checked she was right by the Pytren Falls before any human settlers had arrived and made sure she had everything on her checklist. They would spend the humid morning hiking to the top of the falls to the river above. By the time they reached it, Pytren, famed for the speedy and oddly shaped orbit of its sun, would be entering winter. A week ago Clara had bought a Lagitian Dome (essentially a heated, weatherproof and transparent tent) in which she would set up a picnic. As they ate, snow would fall around them and the river would freeze so they would be able to do some skating afterwards. Then they could go back to the Dome and spend the night camping underneath the stars inside their own snowglobe.

In Clara’s opinion, it was the perfect balance of activities and relaxation that they would both love and she knew Jenny had never been to the planet before.

When she’d told Me her plan the other woman had been impressed, but for Clara organising anything that wasn’t a school trip with the various OFSTED regulations and laws seemed simple.

However, after waiting for an hour for Jenny to show up, any satisfaction had faded into annoyance.

Attempting to remain as calm as possible, she checked their bedroom and the kitchen before heading for the gym. Once there, she saw Jenny hanging off the monkey bars, panting heavily.

“You all right up there?” she called out, arms crossed.

Jenny dropped gracefully to the mat below and faced her with a wide grin. “Struggling a bit actually. Where have you been all day?”

Clara’s jaw dropped. “Where have _I_ been?”

The other woman nodded and wiped the back of her wrist over her forehead, still out of breath. “Yeah, I looked around for a bit, but-”

“I was in the console room,” Clara gritted out, “waiting for you.”

“Oh.” Jenny swung a towel around her neck as she approached her, a frown on her face. “You could have said.”

For a second, Clara was too stunned to speak. Any hope that this was just a joke was rapidly dying as Jenny continued to look at her in bemusement.

“Why are you staring at me like that?” Jenny asked.

“Because you said you would meet me in the console room,” Clara said, her lips barely moving. “Because you said you were looking forward to it. Because you said you wanted to celebrate us being together for an Earth year.”

To Clara’s immense fury, Jenny shrugged. “Why? We haven’t been to Earth in months. That just sounds silly.”

What happened next had been a blur of shouting and accusations to Clara, who had stormed out when Jenny refused to admit she had forgotten their date.

When Jenny didn’t follow she’d changed into her pyjamas, grabbed a tub of ice cream from the kitchen and hid herself away in the library in the hopes of losing herself in someone else’s problems to ignore her own. She asked the TARDIS to keep her whereabouts a secret. While she wasn’t as vast as the Doctor’s, she could still keep someone wandering around corridors for days if she tried.

It was only two hours before Jenny found her.

Feeling betrayed by nearly everyone in her life, Clara threw the book she had been reading onto the coffee table. She glared over the top of the sofa at Jenny.

“Sorry,” she mumbled, already backing away. “Didn’t realise you were in here.”

Clara jumped up, all the anger she’d gradually let go off, now back in full-force. “Are you still not going to apologise?”

“I don’t remember you telling me, okay?” Jenny yelled. She took a deep breath and left the library.

Now that she’d spent a couple of hours going over various points she’d not mentioned and better ways to phrase the ones she had, Clara jogged after her. She came out of the room and recognised the corridor as the one leading to the console room. It was no wonder that Jenny had found her.

She spotted her girlfriend turning round a corner and followed.

“Don’t walk away from me! You don’t get to be the one that doesn’t care about us and then try and take the moral high ground!”

Jenny didn’t break stride or so much as glance over her shoulder. “We’re both emotionally compromised and it’s unwise to enter negotiations when-”

“Talk like a normal person!”

Stopping on the threshold of the console room, Jenny finally met Clara’s eye. Even through the fog of anger, she could see how hurt she was.

“That’s just it though,” she said, her voice cracking. “I’m not a _normal person_.”

She spun on her heel and rushed towards the door to the diner.

“I didn’t- Jenny! Just - let’s talk about this!”

Clara heard the door slam and she hurried to follow Jenny, knowing she’d gone too far. Though Jenny never gave off the impression that she wanted a home or family, Clara knew she longed for a place or a people to belong to. Not too long ago, she’d confided in Clara that she was the closest she’d ever had to something like that.

“Fight! Fight! Fight!” said Me mildly from beside the console as Clara ran by her.

“Shut up.”

“Aww, but you two and the ship are acting like children so I-”

The door closed behind her, cutting off the end of Me’s sentence. Jenny was stood by the diner windows, the Falls visible behind her. It was a stark reminder of everything the day was supposed to have been about.

“Jenny, look-”

Clara’s plea ended in a gasp as the door to the planet beyond vanished and the lights went out.

“The door!” cried Jenny, pointing behind Clara.

Sure enough, the door back to the console room had also disappeared.

“What’s happening?”

Jenny ran her hands over the wall of the diner, her face a mask of concentration. Though Clara’s panic was building, she waited for Jenny to reply, knowing she had far more knowledge of how TARDISes worked than she ever could.

“Something’s wrong with her,” she replied quietly. “It looks as though she’s shut down everything that isn’t necessary.”

Clara rested her hand on the wall that seconds before had been the door to their home. “What about Me?”

“The console room will be fine. All the other rooms have probably been temporarily deleted, either to save energy or because the memory has been affected. The only reason the diner’s still here is we’re in it.”

“That’s why we’ve lost power.”

“It will have been diverted to the console room. Hopefully Me will be able to fix the problem from there.”

They settled into an uncomfortable silence, the momentum from their row lost. Clara took a hesitant step towards Jenny, who held her hands up.

“No. I’m not talking about this until we’ve properly calmed down.” She sat down in the booth closest to the window, her back to the rest of the diner.

Hearing the message loud and clear, Clara settled into the far corner.

Several hours and a cannister of squirty cream later, the phone Clara had been mindlessly fiddling with lit up. In dark of the diner that had only worsened since the season changed outside and snow began to fall, the light caused spots in her vision. Blinking them away, she snatched it up. Spending all of that time helpless, even without Jenny’s stony silence, was her worst nightmare. The first sign of progress felt like a lifeline.

When the phone finally displayed her home screen, she tried calling the TARDIS phone but the call wouldn’t connect. She swore under breath and tried sending a text to Me’s mobile instead. With baited breath and fingers crossed, she waited for the message to go through and grinned when it did.

_glad to hear you two haven’t been jettisoned into the vortex_

_Thanks. What’s happening?_

_virus i think. ive finished the scan and now waiting for the tardis to heal herself. should take about 12 hours_

_Are we safe?_

_should be. the virus only affects time sensitive beings like the tardis_

Clara blew out a sigh of relief as her phone lit up with another message.

_or beloved science experiments_

She stared at the screen as two and two crashed together in her head. The virus not only explained why the TARDIS had moved the library and ignored her request, but the odd behaviour of someone else that day.

Clara let her head fall to the table and closed her eyes. It didn’t matter if she was on Earth or in space, with a man or a woman, had a heartbeat or none, she still managed to sabotage her relationships by being too bloody stubborn and thinking she knew better.

Sitting back again, she inhaled and prepared for a large serving of humble pie.

“It’s a virus,” she said, her voice croaky from lack of use. “The TARDIS has a virus. Me should have it fixed in twelve hours.”

“Great,” came the emotionless reply.

Closing her eyes against reality, Clara tried to ignore the swelling sensation in her chest. She’d made plenty of mistakes in her life, including her death, but this one was definitely one of the most preventable.

On heavy limbs, she stood and walked over to Jenny’s booth, her socked feet making no noise on the lino. She leant against the counter and faced her. Since she’d last seen her close up, her skin had paled, making the dark rings under her eyes stand out more.

“You’ve got it. The virus.”

Jenny continued to watch the snowfall outside. “Just a mild form. It’ll be out of my system soon.”

“Why didn’t you say?”

“Wasn’t sure until a couple of hours ago.” She shrugged. “Besides, you didn’t ask.”

“Jenny-”

“Don’t,” she snapped, finally looking at Clara. Despite having spent the last few hours wishing for Jenny to make eye contact, now that she was she wished she would look away. Her eyes that were always filled with joy, adventure and life were now bloodshot and exuded nothing but misery.

“I thought you knew me better than anyone,” Jenny said, voice shaking. “You know I have vastly superior memory and wouldn’t use _‘I forgot’_ as an excuse. It’s completely unbelievable! Why would I agree to this anniversary tradition if I had no intention of being there?”

More than her appearance, Jenny reverting back to facts and tactical thinking made Clara feel worse. She’d seen it before, the way she’d close up emotionally to avoid giving information out to enemies. It didn’t matter how far or how fast she ran; she was always going to be a born soldier.

Jenny’s restraint broke as she winced but tried to hide it by shuffling in her seat.

“Are you okay?”

“Headache.” She’d barely finished speaking when she shivered.

Clara frowned. “You’re cold?”

“A little,” admitted Jenny. She fixed her eyes onto the clasped hands resting in her lap.

“But… Time Ladies can regulate their temperature?”

“To an extent.” She glanced at Clara, who folded her arms. “It’s around minus fifty-two in here.”

“For God’s sake, Jenny-”

“It’s only twelve hours. I can survive,” she insisted, but her body gave her away by shivering again.

Since being trapped in a second somewhere between life and death, Clara had found there were many elements of her life she had taken for granted. She no longer needed to eat or sleep, but could do either if she wanted to. Any injury she received could only be healed by nanogenes, something that had caused a great deal of discussion between Me and Jenny. The former was certain they’d even be able to save her from decapitation providing they had both parts of her, while the latter worried it might only be possible if a traditional blade was used. Neither of them were sure if the nanogenes would be able to work if the wound had been caused by lasers and therefore cauterised apparently.

(“Okay, wow,” Clara had said loudly as she snapped her book shut when they reached this part of the discussion, “I am _in the room_.”)

One of the weirdest adjustments she’d had to make was that she was no longer affected by temperature. She could feel it if she thought about it, but she rarely did. After all, her blood could freeze in her capillaries all it wanted. She didn’t need it anymore.

It was only after being told how cold it was that she realised the TARDIS shields must have been affected and the sub-zero weather outside had seeped into the diner.

Clara pulled the jumper she was wearing, a souvenir from a Plutonian theme park they’d visited a few months ago, over her head and held it out to Jenny.

“Wear this. Oh, come on,” she snapped when Jenny folded her arms. “I know it isn’t much, but it’ll help. I don’t need it. Frozen at a toasty thirty-seven degrees, me.”

She gave Jenny a small smile. It paid off when she reached for the jumper and stiffly put it on. As she did, Clara took her pyjama bottoms and socks off, leaving her in just her underwear. While Jenny put the extra layers on, she rushed behind the counter. On the shelf next to the spare straws was a pile of neatly folded tablecloths. She opened them all up and layered them on top of each other. They might have been thin but all together they would help Jenny.

She draped the make-shift blanket over Jenny, who mumbled her thanks. By the way she snuggled into the tablecloths, Clara could tell she was a lot colder than she was letting on.

“Let me in,” she demanded.

Clara tugged at the corner but Jenny pulled them tighter around her.

“No. I’m still upset.”

“I know and I’m sorry and I will make up for this somehow,” she told her firmly, “but I am not going to sit back and watch you suffer when I can do something to help you.”

All that was visible of Jenny was her eyes and forehead. When she spoke her voice was muffled.

“You’ve already helped. I’ve got all your clothes.”

Clara rolled her eyes. “Which isn’t enough to warm you up - even if it has improved the scenery?” She struck a pose with one hand behind her head and the other on her hip, hoping the humour would make the situation easier. She noticed with some satisfaction that Jenny’s eyes did flick over her body.

“I might appreciate the increased blood flow. _Slightly_ increased blood flow,” she added when Clara smirked.

Perching on the end of the seat, Clara tugged on the end of the tablecloths a couple of times. Eventually, Jenny relented with a sigh and Clara slid underneath the covers, arranging them so they were lying lengthways, Clara spooned behind Jenny.

With her arm wrapped her, Clara could tell Jenny was still tense. She pressed closer to keep her warm and her nose brushed against the back of her neck. Jenny’s skin was icy and Clara started rubbing her arms.

She’d never been good at apologising. Her pride always got in the way and if the other person tried to interject then she was liable to start defending herself and making the situation worse. Any time she knew she couldn’t risk doing that, Clara would demand that she was allowed to finish what she had to say. Another tactic was to do it over the phone, so she could get her explanation out, possibly by reading something she’d written beforehand, without being distracted.

It helped when she couldn’t see the other person’s face and any residual disappointment there.

“I’m so sorry I didn’t believe you or see you were ill,” she whispered.

“I know.”

Jenny’s response contained no hint of what she wanted so she asked for it plainly. “Forgive me?”

There was pause in which Clara was sure neither of them drew breath.

“It depends on whether or not you think you would be able to notice if you behaved like this again and stopped being such a… twat.”

“ _Twat?_ ” Clara chuckled. “Where have you picked that up from?”

“You said it when that soufflé went wrong last week,” she replied flatly.

“Oh.”

Even though Jenny was warming up and her muscles were relaxing, her attitude remained frosty. Clara couldn’t blame her, but she wished the day had gone as planned. Right then they could have been cuddled together on top of a stunning frozen waterfall, surrounded by a tundra. Instead, because of her being self-absorbed, they were stuck huddling for warmth in the diner while one of them was ill.

Just as Clara accepted they would stay like that until Jenny fell asleep, the other woman rolled onto her back. She looked up at Clara, her eyes round but dry.

“Clara, I love you, but I can’t stay with you if you don’t trust me.”

“Of course I trust you!”

“Not to tell you the truth. Or to honour my promises.” Jenny smiled, but it was filled with sorrow and Clara’s mouth went dry at the sight.

“Love is a promise.”

Jenny huffed and flipped back onto her side. “That doesn’t make sense.”

Deciding against explaining the phrase, Clara ghosted her lips against the exposed skin on Jenny’s neck.

“I’m used to humans,” she explained into the quiet of the diner. “If humans forget important things it tends to mean they didn’t care enough to remember them in the first place - not medical emergencies.” She sighed and blinked back the tears threatening to fall. “I thought you thought the whole anniversary thing was stupid.”

“It _is_ stupid. Really, _really_ stupid,” Jenny scoffed. “But it’s important to you and I’m supposed to put aside logic if you ask me to be sentimental about something.”

Clara smiled and buried her face into the back of her jumper. The mixture of Jenny’s scent and her own mixed together reminded her of their bed. She fumbled until she found Jenny’s hand, covered in her sleeve, and squeezed it.

“Thank you for putting aside logic. I’m sorry I couldn’t do the same.”

She felt Jenny shake and was horrified that she’d made her cry on top of everything else, until she spoke and realised she was laughing.

“What logic was there for you? You want to celebrate the length of time we’ve been in a romantic relationship judging by the time it takes a planet we’re not on to orbit a star we’re nowhere-”

She wasn’t sure if it was out of desperation, relief or because she always wanted to, but Clara leant over Jenny to kiss her. After a second she pulled back, knowing there was a possibility her actions wouldn’t be welcomed. She needn’t have worried though, as no sooner had her lips left Jenny’s, she felt her fingers thread through her hair and pull her back down into a bruising kiss.

Rather than dissect Jenny’s motivations, Clara, in rare moment of submission, let herself be carried away. The sensation of the rough tablecloths and the sticky leatherette seat against her skin, blended with the softness of Jenny’s clothes, making letting go of control not only easy but made her wonder why she didn’t do so more often.

As they moved on the narrow seat to accommodate their change in position, Clara fully realised just how lucky she was to have found Jenny. The other people she had been in relationships with had always said they understood her life, even though time and time again they proved they didn’t. They had always expected her to stay in Blackpool or on Earth or in one time eventually.

If anything, with Jenny she was the one that brought up their limitations.

Knowing she still had a long way to go to make up for how she had treated Jenny, Clara brought the kiss to an end. She couldn’t bring herself to move away fully, however, so she closed her eyes and rested her forehead against Jenny’s.

She smiled when she felt Jenny’s cold nose nudge against her own.

“Can we do everything I had planned tomorrow?” she asked quietly. “It can be an apology date rather than an anniversary one.”

“Okay.”

Clara opened her eyes and moved enough so she could see Jenny properly. Though her complexion was still paler than normal, something that was only exaggerated by the soft light from the snowy planet outside, she was still the most beautiful person Clara had ever known.  

Jenny smiled up at her and tucked her dark hair behind her ear. Clara felt herself tearing up again at the thought of losing her and how she could’ve easily done so that day.

“Thanks,” Clara managed and Jenny kissed her softly.

Afterwards, they settled back down, Clara apologising for letting the cold air in and disrupting the covers. Once wrapped up in them and each other, they worked out roughly how long they had before the TARDIS would recover. As they talked, Clara noticed Jenny gradually falling asleep, no doubt exhausted by fighting the virus and the cold.

She fell silent to let her girlfriend get some rest, promising to make sure she stayed warm while she did.

Just as Clara thought she’d fallen asleep, Jenny mumbled something.

“Have you ever been to Sitma Prime?”

“Don’t think so. Why?”

“It’s about six lightyears away from your home solar system,” she said around a yawn. “Unbreathable atmosphere, ugly landscapes. It’s just terrible.” She paused and Clara hoped she wasn’t going to ask to visit there anytime soon. “Takes roughly three hundred and sixty six point two five Earth days to orbit its sun.”

Clara frowned in thought. “So… an Earth year and a day?”

“Yep.”

“Hey, Jenny?”

“Hey, Clara.”

She could tell by the cheeky reply and the way Jenny wiggled against her as she spoke what the answer to her next question would be. She smiled, unable to ignore the lightweight feeling of reassurance that was spreading through her.

“Do you want to do something for our one Sitma Prime year anniversary tomorrow?”


End file.
